Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
