I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
