He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
