shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I had to cum in my sink.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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