my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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