does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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