this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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