My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
