I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
There r osticjed everywhere
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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