It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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