dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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