I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
