I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
