Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
