Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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