Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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