If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
