Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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