Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
