I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Vodka?
Forever.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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