So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
