My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
