I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
