I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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