giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
