I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
