By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
