We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
