Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
