we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
