GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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