apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
