I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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