My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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