My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
