So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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