she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
