Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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