Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You may now shotgun with the bride
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
