i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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