My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
