If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
