I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
