I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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