I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
