Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We left an ass print on the piano.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
