The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
