the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
