I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I supernannyed him into submission
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
