I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
