have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
